Who's Excited for the Formal!? 1: The Pre-Game

Okay, so the ending of a semester denotes many things. Perhaps the most important of all, (specifically if you're enrolled in the Greek community at a large University) is that its.. FORMAL season.

This epidemic, as I believe it rightfully should be called, comes around like clockwork year after year, yet for some reason always manages to take people by surprise. The most controversial of the bunch: Fraternity Formals. Add up all the drama of a formal and multiply it by 3...because this shit lasts an entire weekend.

Despite meticulous planning, and regardless of the seeds that have been strategically planted throughout the semester, Away Weekend approaches and whether boy or girl, you find yourself universally fucked.

Its as if something in the air changes, and a no holds barred attitude consumes the entire population. Everyone is on the prey for a formal date. What's worse is that most of them fall on the same weekend, significantly increasing the complexity of the consideration process..

BOYS: Usual factors such as hotness, how they'll look in a bathing suit (most are to the beach), personality?, and whether or not they'll put out.. are foregone in order to secure that they're not flying solo.

GIRLS: although this "competition" significantly increases your shot of going to an away weekend, your friends are scattered, you pretty much know that you're 2nd (or 3rd) string, and it makes it THAT much worse when you don't get invited.

Obviously, there's a linear relationship between the absurdity that ensues and the closer you get to departure day. In the final week, dateless boys hit the local bar (Cornerstone) on a mission, eyes on the prize. And although most girls are aware of this, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a hike in promiscuity levels during these final days...

Granted, not everyone wants to go to an away weekend. There are some who will actually proclaim that they'd prefer to stay home (92% of these people are lying). But I've seen some crazy shit go down in a last ditch effort to get that golden ticket....

Sophomore Year: College Avenue, Night Before D-day

Nope, no takers?

Granted I spent that weekend with my fellow rejects at the cheesecake factory drowning our sorrows in spinach and artichoke dip and chinese chicken salads.

If this formal season ended in an upset, don't stress now about ways to improve your stats for the next one. The fact is, there is absolutely nothing you can do to prepare. Sit back, relax, and enjoy life while you can, before the next pandemic springs upon you.

Click Here to Hear -> Wise words on the importance of formal from our very own. Ja'mie

To those that didn't get the invite, your journey ends here. To those that have, (OMG!! YAY!) please continue on to the 2nd edition... Formal Faux Pas

Boy, Oh Boy!

In todays day and age, school can end up being a very intimidating place for a young child. With major advances in technology and the advent of social media, kids of today's generation can no longer find comfort in the fact that they're safe from bullying and cruelty once they leave the classroom. Back in the good old days, when you you pissed your pants in the art room, shat your pants on the bus, or got caught doodling hearts around your name (your first name followed by the last name of your latest crush) you really only had to worry about the bus, recess, and hallways for excessive taunting.

Now, you get to go home and read about it all over the internet, probably accompanied by a photo of the scene of the crime. At least you have the option of getting a nice and concise summary of it in the form of a 140 character tweet.

Without even taking into consideration the horrific lunch menu options, the abundance of teacher pedophiliacs, and the school nurse that believes all ailments, (whether broken bones, bloody noses, or cases of influenza), can be healed with an icepack...school can be an extremely traumatic experience.

The first culmination of all these pressures... Kindergarten. Forget the easels and the coloring books of preschool, now you get to play with scissors. And so accordingly, as children are forced further out of their comfort zones, and start to gain a tiny bit of independence, it is essential that parents equip them with all the skills and resources at their disposal to help ensure their offspring's success. This includes going above and beyond, figuring out what the latest child trends are, and springing for them.. because the consequences of not fitting in are extreme.

It's crazy to say, but a lot rides on what you put your kid in on their first day of school. If you pick out the perfect dress with matching shoes, and a sweet little headband with accessories to match, you might have just paved the way for your baby girl to become the homecoming queen.

Sending your daughter off to their first day of school looking like this however, might be grounds for social services...

[Note the dime piece in the reflection]

And so, off I went w/ all the false ideas of confidence provided by stories like "Thomas the Tank Engine" and all the other illusions of reality that are imprinted on you from the second you exit the womb.

HOWEVER, Immediately upon arrival, my fears seemed to drift away as I had no problems finding people to sit with. I learned that as long as I wasn't the one with the unibrow and sideburns, didn't have a name that you couldn't pronounce, and wasn't black... it would be smooth sailing from here on out.

Sidenote: I really wonder how the new trend in naming offspring after things like fruits, places, and measurements is affecting the bullying epidemic. You hear stories all the time about parents changing names on birth certificates because of how the name would look on an invitation, or sound in the work place. My friend Carly was originally named Maxx until her mom feared that she'd be gender confused, and I have friends that have never once been called their given name except for on attendance lists and passports (and court hearings).

[Pretty obvious that I'm the leader of this pack]

Fast forward to lunch. Adorned with my brand new lunchbox, I entered the cafeteria with a sense of belonging as I looked over what would soon be my new kingdom. I obviously wasn't in the slightest bit surprised as the cutest boy in the class began to approach me. And then it came, the 7 words that would change my life forever...

"Are you a boy or a girl"

Clearly my parents didn't share the sentiments by Carly's mother concerning the confusion that can stem from giving your child a unisex name. Cutting my hair into a bowl cut... perhaps a little over zealous.

Conclusion: Now I know why I was the only girl on the boys side of the classroom.

#Alwayswantedason?

The Beginning .. of the end

For as long as I can remember, I've always prided myself on being a funny girl. No, not a funny person, but specifically a funny girl, which apparently is a rarity and therefore even more impressive.

I used to think back to favorite compliments that I could remember receiving, and the ones that immediately came to mind were the ones that were based on the fact that I was funny or witty.. or quick. I liked that one too. What a poor naive soul I was. The fact is, I now know, that being called funny...has quite different connotations all together....

From a boy: You're not that attractive, I in fact would never want to bang you, but I will keep you around because you're tolerable as a person, and I could probably use you to help me with my homework, do my chores, or to hook me up with friends that happen to be much better looking than you.

From a girl: At least I can feel a little bit better about my life, knowing that its not as dysfunctional as yours.

To both, I respond... You're welcome

If you find yourself in this position, I have to say.. it really is better to just accept the facts early on and try your best to come to terms with it. It will save you from the multitudes of embarrassing situations that you would have encountered while holding on to the notion that you're beautiful and someone out there will love you one day for who you are "on the inside". Get a nose job, inflate your tits, and hit the gym hunny because, in the words of my dear friend Mariah Carey, "you're delusional"

Seeing as how I myself, spent the better part of my days in denial, I have almost two decades of material to share with you. BUT, fear not. There's a light at the end of this tunnel of doom. At least you can find solace in the fact it didn't happen to you!

[And lets face it. Now that we're being honest...These weren't the first compliments that came to mind. They were the only ones.]

SO, put down the bag of popcorn (extra butter), forget that your diet- the one that's "starting tomorrow" - has still yet to begin for over 2 years, turn off "He's not that Into You", and delete any and all music from your ipod that you listened to in 9th grade circa your EMO phase. (Dashboard Confessional, Brand New, Taking Back Sunday to name a few)

At least your dreams of television stardom weren't crushed at age 7 when you were told you had a face better suited for radio...by your mother.

CHEERS!

Please feel free to refer to http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=emo for a more in depth definition of EMO.